Who Are You and What Do You Want? « Date Camp
Advice and Resources for Dating Success!

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Who Are You and What Do You Want?

By Danae Shanti, The “Real You” Coach


16 - CircleLet’s face it, there’s a lot to sort through.  We are multifaceted people with depth, dimension and a whole range of personalities, styles and preferences.  The more successful dates happen when we know who we are and what we want.  Think of this is a screening process.

It’s empowering to know who we are and what we want.  This clarity creates confidence and direction, and that in itself is a gift to us and to prospective dates.

Let’s take Susan for example.  Susan knew she was ready for the “real deal.”  Her goal was to meet a man who could match her passion for the arts, share in her world travel adventures and engage in sophisticated, gala events.

Susan knew she valued spiritual ideals as well as family.  She also knew that having children wouldn’t be on her agenda for another 7 years.   Her past experiences with men who were “nesting” types helped her learn that her direction didn’t match the men of that lifestyle.

When Susan received a “high-level match” from the dating service she was very excited.  She first noticed how attractive Ben was.  She liked his communication style and his sense of humor.  His age and geographical location all met her qualifications.  He was sweet, smooth and debonair.  He also had traveled the world and followed a spiritual path.

With great anticipation, Susan read more about Ben, and learned that he was an organic gardener and beekeeper.  His roots and stability were important to him, and he had had his fill of world travel.  Ben wanted to start a family within a couple of years, stay home and share his cozy lifestyle with his beloved.

Susan felt that old familiar feeling of wanting to contact Ben “just in case” it would be different in person than what she’d read.  She noticed that inclination and asked herself an important question, “Do I want to try and change this person to meet my agenda, or do I trust in myself that I know what I want and where I’m heading and let this match go?”

Over the past five years, Susan had learned to truly value herself.  She had become clear on who she was and what she wanted, and these things for her were non-negotiable.  Her clarity about staying with her plan outweighed her propensity for romanticizing this potential connection.  By making this choice she honored herself and didn’t waste Ben’s time.  She let the match go and moved on.

Any of us could be in Susan’s shoes.  Sometimes the wish for love and partnership can pull us off of our trajectory.  The difficulty with getting distracted is that the core things we value will surface after a time, they always do.

By being clear about what matters most to her, Susan is sure to meet a man who aligns with her energy naturally, and, overall, this will be great for both parties involved.

32 - Other ListBefore entering the dating realm it’s good for us to complete a personal inquiry. Susan stayed true to herself and so can we. The following eight questions are guideposts and may inspire a deeper inquiry to help us get to know who we are and what we want relative to ourselves and dating: 


1)    What am I most passionate about and committed to?

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2)   What are my spiritual or religious beliefs and do I need someone to share these beliefs?

3)    Do I believe in myself and trust myself in guiding my own life?

4)    Am I flexible in my thinking or committed to an agenda already in place for my life?

5)    Have I completed on past relationships or is there more closure work to do?

6)    What are my emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, sexual and overall lifestyle needs?

7)    Do I want children in my life, and, if so, how and when?

8)    Do I want to be with someone similar to me or different?


Many of us have to learn to take stock in ourselves, it doesn’t necessarily come automatically.  We all have inner critics as well as inner champions, and these impact they way we perceive ourselves and influence whether or not we feel loveable and valuable.

Getting to know ourselves intimately is a primer for getting to know another person.  If we come to a connection as self-resourced adults then there is less attachment to trying to get our needs met through someone else.  There is also more enjoyment in receiving someone for whom they truly are without our hidden agendas for them.

Dating is an adventure with many flavors to it.  If we are open to it, we can feel ourselves in relationship to another soul, and sense whether a connection has true potential or not.

When we are self-resourced, we have the space to do a screening process before agreeing to meet with someone.  If we still feel a desire to meet them, then we have the capacity to really receive them in who they are because we’re not hoping to be “completed” by them.  Instead, we’re focused on the amazing fullness that can happen when two people who know who they are and what they want come together.

When the path is clear and expectations are reasonable, each person can enjoy the dating experience for the gifts that it brings, just the way it is.

Danae Shanti 2Danae Shanti is a conscious intuitive coach and founder of Breathing Life Events, a program that uses breath for personal and professional breakthroughs.  Contact Danae at Danae@TheBreathingLife.com.


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